Things i am not allowed to do at Torchwood
by Time Agent Extrodinare
Summary: Exactly what it says. A list my friend and i made out of boredm one night. read and review with comments or anything you have to add to the list :
1. Chapter 1

Things I am not allowed to do at Torchwood:

Things I'm not allowed to do at Torchwood

1. I am not to continuously bring up the time that Owen opened the rift.

-unless I have a death wish

-I should not have a death wish

2. Jack does not want for me to buy him fluffy bunny slippers every Christmas and I should stop talking about it.

-he is not hiding all the previous pairs I have bought him in the back of his closet

-yes he really did throw them out

3. Whenever I see a cool piece of alien technology I am not to exclaim loudly "this is SO going on my alien scrapbook"

-especially if I actually have one

-or if I post said alien scrapbook online

-YouTube videos of said scrapbook do count

4. I'm not allowed to ask Jack if being immortal means that he can go more than one round.

-even if he's willing to answer

-epically not if he's willing to prove it

-I should not contemplate HOW he would prove it

5. When on a high speed road chase I am not so sing at the top of my lungs "the song that never ends".

-it pisses Owen off

-nobody likes an angry doctor

-especially not if I "accidentally" get shot in the shoulder

-I will not sing in the car again

6. No matter how amusing it is I am not to add retcon to random people's drinks.

-not even if I want to make my evil Aunt forget I exist

-especially not if I want to make Jack forget he banned me from driving the SUV

7. Taunting the resident Weevil "Janet" is frowned upon.

8. I am not to constantly beg Ianto to buy me candies when he goes out to do an around for Jack.

-He's not going to do it and I should give up.

9. I will not defrost Jack's brother to "see how much of a crabby pants he is"...ever...again.

-everybody knows what happened the first time and we do not need any more repeats

10. If asked to fetch a piece of technology I will not return with a piece of paper with a drawing of the Fluxcompasator on it. Nobody thinks it's funny.

11. If I arrive at the Hub before Ianto I should not decorate his work station with hearts and stars. He's not gay and I am not to insist he is.

-even if I've seen him making out with Jack

12. I did not see Ianto singing "I'm walking on sunshine" after a particularly good shag with Jack.

-I should stop telling him how much I loved his singing voice

13. I will never accept Jack's invitation to naked hide and seek.

-Ianto was right he cheats

-this is a whole different level of cheating

14. I do not know how to time travel properly and I will not ask to borrow Jack's vortex manipulator again.

-even if I just want to take a quick trip to meet George Washington

-or Queen Elizabeth

-not even my Great Grandmother

-the answer is always no

15. A weevil will never make for a good pet.

-not even on good Friday

16.I am not allowed to allow to tie Jack up on a Sunday

-Even if I was bored

-Even if he wanted me to

-Even if Gwen told me not to use cable wires as restraints

-Even if it's kind of fun and hot!

17. I am not allowed to wander around Torchwood by myself

-Jack told me about the former operative who wandered around and got to lost they starved to death

-I believe him even if Ianto keeps telling me it's a load of Bollocks

-He did say if I do need to go off on my own, I am to bring a map just incase

-If I don't behave I can't go on missions anymore

18. I will not eat alien anything until I am certain that it won't kill me or make me sick.

-I will not listen to Captain Jack if he says something is safe for me to eat, because his sense of humor is almost as twisted as mine.

19. I must not confuse Captain Jack Harkness with Captain Jack Sparrow

-Even if it's funny

-Even if Jack thinks it's funny

-Because he's not allowed to borrow anyone's mascara either

20. I am no longer allowed to play with Owen's stetscope.

-Jack gets totally too into it when I examine his heart

-Gwen and Tosh disapproves of me using it to try and crack Jack's safe

-I keep putting it away in the wrong place and Owen said it was the "last straw"

21. I am not allowed to insinuate I know what happens to Jack in the far off future.

-It's not nice to lie

-Even if I got a sneak peak from The Doctor

-Spoilers are mean too

22. I am to stop attacking Ianto with marshmallows

-Even if I was bored

-Even if he thought it was funny and tried to catch them in his mouth

-This would cause Jack to get overexcited

23. I do not need to ask why Jack gets over excited so easily.

-He has a penis

-He is from the 51st century

-yes that does cover it

24. I will not feed gummy bears to the aliens.

-Even if they seem to like them

-Especially not if they like them

-It could be dangerous

-No, nobody knows how. Jack won't tell how

25. I am not allowed to ask Ianto to dress up as a secret service man for me.

-Even if he totally reminds me of one

-the same applies for a French maid uniform

-He has better things to do than play dress up for me

-But Jack is more than happy to wear a soldier's uniform with that long coat for me.

26. I am not allowed to tie Ianto up.

-or gag him if he says "I'm sorry"

-or tickle him

-Especially if Jack asks me to

27. I am not allowed to ask Jack about the hand in the jar.

-Or what he does with it

-Owen says I don't want to know

-From the look on his face I think Owen doesn't want to know either

28. Nobody accepts my "but we're Torchwood" excuse for my behavior.

29. I'm not allowed to tell Jack that Torchwood is a "poor man's UNIT".

-Even if Torchwood wishes it was UNIT

-And if Torchwood couldn't take UNIT in a fight even if the whole of UNIT had its hands tied behind its backs

-Not even if Jack spends his evenings writing fan letters to the Brigadier.

-And wishes he could grow a luxuriant moustache like him, but is worried it would come off too Freddie Mercury

30. I am not allowed to have a crush on the Brigadier and be mean to Jack just because he shagged the military love god and I didn't.

-Even if Jack isn't half the man the brigadier is and doesn't deserve his stiff uppery lovin'

31. I am not allowed to tell Jack that the alien containment thing -used to catch the sex alien- looks like a giant condom

-Jack will get ideas

-Ianto and I are still wondering what doesn't give Jack ideas.

32. I'm not allowed to ask Jack if those are Bugle Boy Jeans that he's wearing.

-Even though Owen and Ianto think it's funny.

33. I am not allowed to make coffee.

-Ever

-Just because my coffee looks like coffee, and smells like coffee does not mean it is drinkable

-Not even if I used Ianto special mixture

-It doesn't work right for anyone except him

-He is still annoyed at me for sneaking past his firewall to steal the mixture to begin with

34. I should not drink energy drinks before coming into work.

-Even if I'm really tired because I stayed late

-Even if I'm hung over

-Especially not if I'm hung over

-Not even when called in on a Saturday

35. I should not sneak energy drinks in and mix them with my coffee

-This could create a dangerous effect

-Too much caffeine is dangerous

36. I will not use Owen's scalpel to draw a "pretty picture" on the wall

-Even if Jack thinks it's funny

-I will be the one plastering it

-no Jack will not help me replaster the wall

-No matter how many times I ask him the answer will still be no

-I can ask Ianto though because he is a big squishy teddy bear

37. I should not continue to leave my computer monitor on

-Ianto has told me a million times that it upsets the Pterodactyl

-I should not enjoy upsetting the Pterodactyl

-It makes Ianto cranky with me

38. I will stop coming on to Ianto in front of Jack

-Jack gets jealous

-It also gives him ideas

-I do not want to know what kind of ideas and should stop guessing how his sick mind works

39. When asked to get something for Gwen I should not make bunny noises

-She knows her teeth are a little messed up in the front

-It's rude

-Jack wil send me to the corner if I do it again

40. Tosh does not speak anything besides English and Japanese and I should stop saying everything to her in various other languages

-Just because she's asian does not mean she speaks any of the following Korean, Chinese, Vietmanise, or Indian.

41. If I can be part of a team that saves the universe, I can kill a spider in the bathtub by myself

-Yes weevils and spiders are completely different things but Weevils can kill me a spider cannot

-It wasn't a poisionous spider

-I will stop attempting to convince everyone it was

-Only Ianto believes me


	2. Chapter 2

**a/nL so i've seen that i've gotten quite a few reviews on both of my thing's I'm not allowed to do... "stories" and have decied once I get twenty five more of your own suggestions for additions to the list I will post another chapter and of course there will be some of my own original ones thrown in there to make it worth everybody's while ;D**

**Also I'd like to invite everyone to read any of my Torchwood and Doctor Who fanfictions because they are terribly lacking in reviews which makes me sad D:**

**But thank you to eveyrone who had already reviewed :)**


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